"My Story Matters" | Kendall You Mak '20

By Kendall You Mak '20

Kendall You Mak was a member of the Wellesley soccer, basketball, and lacrosse programs from San Francisco, Calif. Kendall was a multi-sport Academic All-Conference student-athlete who was also an event worker and a Fitness Center monitor who took part in SAAC, as well as PERA's Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) Committee, Shades of Blue and the Athlete Mentor Program. Kendall received PERA's Most Outstanding Contribution Award as a senior after spending four years involved with the department.

Initially, I did not want to go to college. I was burnt out from school and athletics and I wanted to roam around and do my own thing in the outdoors. I couldn't stand the thought of sitting through four more years of classes and playing collegiate sports hadn't occurred to me. I thought you had to be the best of the best. Turns out I was simply unaware of the different divisions of college athletics. When all was said and done, it was decided that I would be attending college. So I sought out a relatively small, liberal arts, historically women's college. I thought that the environment would be a smoother transition for me because it would provide a nurturing culture which I was more familiar with. I would feel more comfortable to explore who I am and to gain confidence in myself.

Much like my enrollment in Wellesley, my involvement with Wellesley Athletics was not entirely on purpose. After I had accepted my place in the class of 2020, I emailed the soccer coach at the time, asking if I could perhaps try out in the fall. However, the soccer program was going through staffing changes, and while they were still searching for a new head coach, the basketball coach reached out to me to see if I wanted to play. I said yes, thinking that at least I got to play one of my main sports and have something familiar and consistent amid all the new changes that accompany going to college.

My first year fall rolled around and my basketball teammates knew I was searching for an on-campus job, so they suggested something within the PERA department. That's how I became an event staff worker. I tried to sign up for as many soccer games as possible so that I could scout out the soccer team and see if I still wanted to pursue joining. Although I loved my basketball teammates, I felt incomplete without soccer. So in the spring of my first year, I tried out for the soccer team and the rest is history.

I ended up having a great time at Wellesley, largely because of Wellesley Athletics. Not only did I have the opportunity to play on multiple teams, at both the varsity and club levels, but I also enjoyed learning new sports in PE classes, being employed, and participating in various student and leadership organizations within the department. I chose to dedicate such a significant portion of my time in college to the athletics community because I loved it. This was a space where I found my people, developing friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. I was part of teams and felt the camaraderie and competitiveness rise each time we stepped onto the court or field together. I found support and mentorship among the staff in the PERA Department, both of which I am incredibly grateful for. I gained confidence and leadership skills through the AMP program, SAAC, and captaining two very different teams. And of course, I got to play sports and reignite my passion for soccer and basketball through fierce competition. I love Wellesley Athletics and am so grateful that I get to be a part of it.

That does not mean that Wellesley Athletics is without its flaws. It is a predominantly White department, run by predominantly White leadership, with predominantly White student-athletes. The building is not easily accessible for anyone with physical disabilities, nor is it inviting to community members who may be less familiar with the confusing hallways and odd nooks and crannies filled with student-athletes doing work or hanging out. Now there is a gender-neutral changing room (but this is a new development). There are inevitably financial responsibilities that student-athletes must shoulder. For some, this is not a barrier, but for others, this burden is alleviated through holding a job (or multiple) amidst their already packed schedules.

On a more personal level, a few specific experiences have stuck with me. Firstly, let me note that I am a non-binary person and I am fully out to everyone in the Wellesley community. All of my coaches and teammates have known that since they first met me.

"The Wellesley Athletics community must come together to keep critiquing itself so it can continue to improve and become a more inclusive space. After all, we all care about this community, so like any sport, we have to put in the work to get better." 

During my senior year, each of my head coaches either said or wrote something about each senior on the team, such as the legacy that the senior was leaving on the program or on the coach. While my teammates' legacies were about their academics, their personalities and demeanors, or their athletic prowess, I got: "living authentically" and teaching "the importance of identity." The first time, I thought, "Alright, I can roll with that." Maybe my coach was referring to my unabashed desire to live in a van, i.e., not go out and change the world like my classmates doubtlessly will (if you're reading this, go you! You can do it!). But the second time around, it was far less coded. My response was, "How come my coaches keep telling me I'm queer? I already know that!" Is that the only thing that they see about me? Is that the way that I'll be remembered, not as a scholar, athlete or person but as one of the few athletes that use non-binary pronouns?

This microaggression flattened me into solely an identity marker and while I know that this is not what either of my coaches intended me to hear, that is how I perceived it because of my own life experiences. The hurt that I felt cannot be disregarded. I did not bring this up to them in the moment because I didn't want to make a fuss. But I bring it up now (and recently did so with my coaches) because I am no longer their player so the power dynamic between us has diminished, and I am now willing to put in the emotional labor to remind our community that what you intend may not be the same as the resultant impact of your action because we all have different lived experiences.

Even for this article, I felt a bit tokenized when asked to participate. When I heard that I might be able to help with an article, I was excited. Of course I still wanted to be able to contribute to the athletics community even though I have graduated. But then I learned what the article was about and became slightly uncomfortable. Perhaps I was only innocuously asked to participate in this campaign because of my participation on the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion committee and because of my wealth of experiences within different parts of the department. Or maybe, this was yet another microaggression where I was being asked to conduct emotional labor because of the specific and intersecting identities that I hold. 

It is (partly) the DE&I committee's responsibility to atone for this. The committee hears suggestions from community members on how to make our spaces more diverse and inclusive, and uses students to check its blind spots, as administrators inherently cannot live this experience because they themselves are not students. While the committee has been making progress, especially tackling gender-neutral locker room amenities and equitable access to athletic equipment for Wellesley's PE requirement, at some point the talking has to stop and the action must begin.

In my year with the group, I noticed that when suggestions were brought up, they were often delegated back to the person who suggested it. This burdened the members with more marginalized identities who were more acutely aware of areas of improvement. It is not the responsibility of marginalized people to educate others that (inadvertently) hurt them. Instead, I think PERA should continue to expand the capacity of the committee by bringing in a dedicated DE&I point person to the department. I think this would alleviate the stress placed on the same administrators, students, and committee members advocating for particular changes and help to facilitate action.  

Now, you may be wondering why I even agreed to participate in this campaign? Well, if you have ever participated in competitive athletics, you know that as athletes, we are conditioned to push through discomfort. We are taught to get back up if we fall and to keep fighting. So yes, I am uncomfortable with parts of this process, but I am pushing through because I care and I still love the community. Wellesley Athletics was an essential part of my college experience and is still important to me now. I want to see it improve; every community member should be able to feel comfortable and that they belong in this space. If you have been hurt, or you watched your teammate/friend get hurt, consider if you are able to take on that burden so that you can help make the community more inclusive for everybody. 

I hope that the conversations that I've had with members of PERA because of this piece, and the writing itself serve to smooth the road a little more for future athletes. When you defend in soccer, you have to choose the right moment to step. The backline must shift together to cover each other. If basketball terminology is more your style, then someone must be in help. Either way, your teammates have your back. I'm choosing this moment to step, to speak up and provide feedback to Wellesley Athletics. I hope the backline is shifting with me and someone is in help. The Wellesley Athletics community must come together to keep critiquing itself so it can continue to improve and become a more inclusive space. After all, we all care about this community, so like any sport, we have to put in the work to get better. And don't forget, this is a team sport too.

 Wellesley Athletics strives for excellence at the conference, regional, and national levels, while providing opportunities for students to achieve their potential and learn the values of discipline, leadership, critical thinking, and responsibility to oneself and others.